Realization no. 37:

There are some days i feel like i know less than what people think i know.

Work is getting more hectic by the minute.
Case conference looming around the corner and all that training still going on as well.
At times i almost panicked.
Whatmore, we have to worry about PES(t) too.
It is this silly bureaucratic thing which requires us to calculate the hours and measure the success rate of our student.
For example, input = hours and output = % of goals
And output have to be above 50% to be consider success.

I can fully understand the rational.
There is a need for VWOs to be accountable after all we do depend on charity.
That is, your money, my money... everyone's money. The goodness of singaporeans.
And it would nice to keep track of how many kids benefit from our services.
But really, i would find it less of a drag doing these calculations if the people of formulated it actually think it through about how applicable it is to us on the whole.
For example, it is IMPOSSIBLE to put every thing down in to measurable quantifiable statistics.
And more often than not, kids with special needs take a long while to achieve any semblence of success.
Does that mean we should give up on them? That VWOs dont need the money to run the program if we are not churning out enough "successes"?
I really pity the teachers as they are the one who have to compile the data for the therapists at the end of the day. On top of all the work they already have to do.
Lowly paid and stressful job and now more adminstration.
No wonder the turnover rate for teachers are so high.
I wish those people who actually formulate policies that ultimately will have a huge impact on those people who does the ground work, will come to and spend a week with us AT LEAST.
Before coming up with some more of these "admin" forms to fill and actually come up with something applicable and useful for once.

You know what babes?
The only solution seems to be that next time i go on holiday, you should come along!
Hey, then since you are going to Spain, you should bring me!
Pack me into your luggage and smuggle me!

*hugz*
I am flattered that you people think of me as your good friend.
It makes me feel like my life is worth something
cos' i mean something to some of you.
If i were to die tomorrow, at least i know who will miss me. :)

Anyway babes, always feel free to call.
No matter where, when, i will try my darnest to be there.
That goes the same for you snowie dear.
This i can promise you gals.

From one cat lover to the another.
Snow dear, i share your pain and your loss for mimi.
I know how much you loved her.
I cannot imagine if the same thing were to happen to Ruski.
And i only had him for a year while mimi had been with you for so long.
I still remember her whenever i visit last time, back in Uni.
She was beautiful and such a character.
She picks her owner and she made the right choice.
I couldnt think of anyone else who could have given her such a caring home for the past 8 years.
I am sorry that other people could not have been kinder, more humane.
It was a needless loss.
*hugz* I am sorry i couldnt be here for you...
Please cheer up dear...

Was at Tioman for the last 3 days.
Went with quite low expectations since i wanted to go to bintan originally.
Beside, the resort didn't look that impressive in the first place.
It turned out to be really good.
We had our own private little condo like place with 2 bedrooms, a living room, some kitchenette, bathroom, and balcony facing the sea.
Though a little far from the rest of the spawling resort, there was a pretty efficient shuttle service to the main resort.
Snorkelling was great. Better than rawa last year as there were more selections of places to snorkel.
From the shallow reefs to deep underwater outcrop of rocks encrusted with corals and the many different variety of marine life.
Waters alternate between azure blue and emerald green.
Its crystal clear. I could see almost 20feet down without problems.
Quite alot of varied entertainment at the resort too.
KTV, night fishing, pool, disco, lounging at the beach bar, walking down the beach looking at a night sky full of stars.
The only problem is the long journey to and fro. Simply too exhausting.
2 1/2 hours coach to Mersing, 3 hours ferry to Tioman.
Next time i am going to take the direct ferry.

Watched The Time Machine today.
Was a major disappointment of a book adaptation.
I think i rather watch I not Stupid again.

Guy Pearce was not believable as prof alexander. Perhaps it was a miscasting.
Casting of the film was bad.
Jeremy Irons was a hoot being in the film for a mere 15minutes.
H.G Wells would roll in his grave.

On a more positive note,
the machine does look more or less like how i imagined it to be.
All the right materials and style for the era, except maybe for the perspex like material for the shield-like device. Or was it glass?

I must have a terrible memory.
I frequently forget things that i have in my hand.
And i almost never can remember if i have locked my car doors.
8 out of 10 times it would have been locked, but i would still not be sure.
Someone has hypothesized that it could be due to the fact that i don't remember things that are of no value to me.

However, my theory is i have a terrible short term memory.
I can remember things happening way back in the past.
Even down to the smallest details.
Trivia answers to obscure questions.
The telephone number of my house in malaysia where i lived when i was 6.

Perhaps i am just careless.
But would a careless person be so aware of being forgetful
that she will ask herself if the car door was lock barely 10 step away from the car?
Friends are getting used to me running back for the car each time.
Thing is, while mental pictures pop up readily in my head from my long term store in the brain,
i just cannot picture what had happened 10 seconds before for SOME things.
No matter how hard i try, the best i could do is constantly remind myself to check if i was holding my wallet/phone/pouch or to check if the door is locked, 10 seconds after.

A sense of deja vu is opening my bag to take out my money pouch to pay for movie tickets and realizing that it is not there.

There is a certain kick of looking for yourself in a haystack.
I went to yahoo.com and did a search for aurorin.
Wow. There is me, in various form.
And how surprising it was to find some of the things i was associated with right there, where i had forgotten it.

For example...

I guess i was young once too. So young that it is almost embarrasing now to look back at it.
Well... Almost. :)

A sense of deja vu?

A sense of deja vu

Silly me. I forgot my wallet (aka card holder) today and only realized it just when i was about to pay for sushi.
For all that knows me, my card holder is where i slash my cash and i have a sort of miscellanous pouch for all other purposes (e.g. coins, keys, clips, fone etc). The pouch is always in my carrier bag but for some reason today, i neglected to bring out my all important card holder with all my cash and atm card, visa etc. Luckily for me, yesterday a couple of friends returned me some money for some movie tickets which i dumped into the pouch for convenience and this morning the school clerk gave me back around 20bux of petty cash for some stuff i bought for school. So when i bought the movie ticket and the book ($5), i took from the pouch since it had these spare change. When i finished my sushi dinner, and was digging through my bag for my card holder for my atm card, i realized all the money i had on me is all in the pouch. Thankfully, after the movie tix and book i still managed to have around 20 odd dollars. I was frantically praying that it would be enough for dinner as i hoped i did not have to call any friend to bail me out of an embarrasing situation (either that i would have to wash plates) just 10 minutes before my movie. Thanking my lucky stars, what i had was just about enough for the dinner (with 2 bux left over for the parking tix later).

I was thanking my lucky stars (all 7 of them) when i was stepping into the theater when i suddenly remembered: Emergency Cash. As a policy, i have always "hidden" some money away in some corner of the bag for emergency. And lo and behold, there was a 50 dollar note tuck safely in a little pocket in my bag. Man, that really reaffirms my habit of emergency cash. Certainly horrible to be stranded outside with no money and had to call for help. Now, if only i can remember i had some cash slashed away when i have an emergency.

Alright, another day where i just took off to catch a movie alone. I think i should have this regularly. My own movie alone day. But sad to say, it is really just an excuse to have sushi on my own. In any case, it was fun. Bought a discounted book from book fair *gasp* but the first 10 pages did not bore me so i am quite optimistic. It is Derek Jarman's Smiling In Slow Motion. A collection of diaries written by a gay artist cum film maker. I have not heard of him nor was there any introduction prologue in the book. I gleaned as much from browsing. He has a certain caustic tone common to sharp witted brit or perhaps i am just prejudice, artist, which made reading interesting. But certain phrases caught my eye. And for a moment i wish i could write like that. A certain flair for words.

The movie. Ah. Caught I Not Stupid. I once declared, i can't remember to who, that i would not watch that movie. Looks like i am eating my words now. Remind me not to make big declarations next time. In any case, it was everything i imagined it to be and then some. In short, a storyline woven to fit in as much social critique as Jack Neo could managed. It is, how should i say it, subtly obvious. If there is an oxymoron, this would be it. I can't decide if he is trying to be clever by creating such subtle metaphors (i.e. all white mom = PAP) or was all along trying to be obvious. In the end, it was a collection of pretty smart remarks that is totally in synch with the rest of Singapore. It is difficult not to be charmed by such a movie because it is declaring in bold cinematic style, what everyone (well almost everyone) in everyday singapore is thinking. Very Jack Neo indeed. To give him credit, it is much better than his past movies like Money No Enough, very singaporean, the plot tugs at everyone heartstring (i.e. adorable children in the system that everyone is familiar with), relatively smooth delivery and common jokes/slang, cleverly put together into a movie. So what on earth am i complaining about? Perhaps i am just too demanding in my taste for movies. It is an adequate (perhaps even clever) piece of social commentary. But alas, not much of a movie for me personally. Still, i had an enjoyable enough evening and i certainly did not mind spending that 6.50 on the movie ticket.

Watched Waterboys with snow, babes and alan today.
A pretty funny jap movies and i must say their sychronize swimming routine was much more fun than those we used to have to do in secondary school.
Looking at them practicing all those moves had a sense of familiarity but darn, they looked like they are having so much fun than we did last time.

SO just bought a pricey DV cam a while ago. It took him a long long while to finally decide to buy it after weighing all the pros and cos of individual models, the prices, his financial statues and going down to mustafa on numerous occasions just to look at the different models avaliable. And of cos, when he finally decided to fork out the money to buy it, there were some regrets as to whether he spent too much and perhaps should have made do with a cheaper but less "powerful" tool. You could almost hear his brain creaking trying to convince himself that it was all worth it. It is funny looking at him agonizing over it and the word COMMITTMENT becomes almost palpable. After all, if when you spend so much money buying a DV cam, you darn well better commit yourself to make something out from it. And there would be no more excuses of not making films because he doesn't have the right equipment. Guess, there is no way out and i will be looking forward to his new shorts soon. :)

Of cos, on a side note, it would almost be a riot to watch how he deals with committment in the other sense, golden arches and whatnots later on in life after witnessing his intricate thought processes in this instance.

And no dear, it is NOT a hint. :)

One of the recent pix of Ruski that i liked...

Ruski's New Look

Wonders of trick photography.
See how they make Ruski look so thin!

A strange and unnerving poem which is interestingly familiar.

Ultimately we can all be reduced to a mere statistic.

A sudden remembrance of a poem:

The Unknown Citizen

(To JS/07/M/378
This Marble Monument
Is Erected by the State)

He was found by the Bureau of Statistics to be
One against whom there was no official complaint,
And all the reports on his conduct agree
That, in the moden sense of an old-fashioned word, he
was a saint,
For in everything he did he served the Greater
Community.
Except for the War till the day he retired
He worked in a factory and never got fired,
But satisfied his employers, Fudge Motors Inc.
Yet he wasn't a scab or odd in his views,
For his Union reports that he paid his dues,
(Our report on his Union shows it was sound)
And our Social Psychology workers found
That he was popular with his mates and liked a drink.
The Press are convinced that he bought a paper every day
And that his reactions to advertisements were normal in
every way.
Policies taken out in his name prove that he was fully
insured,
And his Health-card shows he was once in hospital but left
it cured.
Both Producers Research and High-Grade Living declare
He was fully sensible to the advantages of the Instalment
Plan
And had everything necessary to the Modern Man,
A phonograph, a radio, a car and a frigidaire.
Our researchers into Public Opinion are content
That he held the proper opinions for the time of the year,
When there was peace, he was for peace; when there was
war, he went.
He was married and added five children to the
population,
Which our Eugenist says was the right number for a parent
of his generation,
And our teachers report that he never interfered with their
education.
Was he free? Was he happy? The question is absurd:
Had anything been wrong, we should certainly have heard.

By W. H. Auden

Watched A Beautiful Mind today.
Jennifier Connelly was beautiful.
Can't say the same for Russell Crowe.
Like SO said, "even when she was suppose to be so sad and anxious, she looked so sexy"

Have an urge to find out more on John Nash now.
What an intriging life and experience.

Today got some tickets for the filmfest.

1)HK animation
2)seafood
3)little otik
4)japanese devils
5)annecy animation festival
6)hotel

Wanted to buy somemore. But wallet hurts already.

Trying to call up london about an overdraft (long story)
but got bounce to and fro.
think they lost my account somewhere.
It is sort of bizzare actually.
After all, its only 10pounds.
Even the people in the bank thought i was crazy trying to pay it.

Oh nevermind.

I told a friend a while ago that i only buy books that i have read before and liked.
Because, i will only keep books that have some "re-reading" value.
Hence, you will seldom see me buying new book off the shelf unless it comes with strong recommandations.
In the meantime, i will check things out in the library or borrow from friends.
Or read them in the bookstore.
If i liked it, i will buy it.
Guess i am a re-read-buyer sorta person.

Bought two Asterix and Obelix compilation comix for my own birthday present.
A little frivolous, but then its what i want and its what i like.
Actually i have finished reading all these comics before. Long long time ago.
I guess it is with a sense of nostalgia that i bought them since i had always wanted to keep them when i was young but could never afford to. Now that i am working, i realized that i am spending more and more money buying things that i had wanted before in my youth which i did not have a chance to have. These things are mainly books, since those are things that i ever really wanted to have in the first place. So it is not surprising that i am mainly buying children books that i had read time and time before.

Few books on my to buy list:

Classic Alice in wonderland with the original illustrations
Dr seuss collection
The tales of Narnia
Some books from Enid Blyton like Wishing chair and the Faraway tree
Wind in the willows
All the books from Shel Silverstein
etc

It looks like i am starting a children's library but then these are friends that grew up with me when i was really young so i would like to have them all nicely on my shelves finally i guess. Sort of a fulfilment of a childhood dream.

Looking around for interesting films from film fest to catch.
Probably try to catch some anime.

Thanks to gpa, kev and babes for the nice getaway to JB.
(yes gpa, thats wot i got from you)
A nice 5 stars pan pac hotel where babes and me got to order in room service and basically just relaxed for two days.
So we did nothing but eat and sleep and basically chilled out.
It was nice to sit around and do nothing but i figured not everyone liked that.
I do though.
Anyway, we ended the whole thing with a seafood dinner with SO, exo and akane who joined us the next day.
Ahhh... even though it wasn't exactly bintan, but hey, this is the first time i get to order in room service.
So thank you all. *beams*

Been trying to plan a trip in my head to spain.
Just a trip by myself.
Right now i have to consider the timing, the finances and holiday work schedule.
I wish i could just drop and go.
But i guess that is not reality.
Somehow, i hope the more i plan, the closer i am at materializing it.
Time! I need some time!

Nephews enjoyed Jimmy Neutron.
I was too busy trying to answer their rapid questions to really enjoy to show though.

Funny things my nephew said:
him:"How come this one (my gorillaz cd) have asiaworks tv (i think he meant MTVasia awards) logo? who is this?"
me: "its called gorillaz"
him:"you mean the one in the zoo can sing also?"

I like being around my nephews. They can make me laugh without even trying. Somehow everything seems less complicated around them. Every little observations they make, every remarks, makes the reality i shared with them much more interesting and light-hearted.

I held their hands, thinking to protect them, but they ended leading me to places i have never seen.

A short rhyme, dedicated to an old buddie:

Dimsum.
Yum.

It's my nephew's seventh birthday today and his parents invited his friends/relatives to pasir ris park for a picnic. It was very windy but the weather was wonderful, with clear blue skies and sunshine. There was lots of food and party things but i was too lethagic to do much. Spent most of my time lying on the poncho staring at the palm leaves and enjoyed the breeze while pretending i am relaxing at a resort somewhere. Pasir ris park was quite nice. There was lotsa families there with pitched tents and bbqs. We rented some bikes and cycled around, looking at the mangrove swamp and the different wildlife such as kingfishers. I haven't bought a present for my nephew yet. At first i was thinking of taking him and the rest of his cousins to disney on ice. But in the end they asked to watch Jimmy neutron instead. As one kid said "disney is boring". So Jimmy it is. I shall be looking at the tickets tomorrow and trying to gather the little ones off for a movie outing.

My cat does a belly flop
everytime i speak to it "firmly".

Watch Ice Age last night.
Quite funny.
Especially Scrat.
And that was the fastest talking-moving sloth i have ever seen.
Must have evolved a great deal since then.
I think my nephews and nieces will enjoy it.

Thank you babes for the lovely pasta dinner.
You really shouldn't have fought with me over it though you know?
And I thought it would have been nice if i bought you dinner to cheer you up.

Yesterday was a good day.
Collegues got me a cake for belated bday.
Some kids from my social and communication group asked if i was better from my illness.
They noticed that i was gone and knew that i was sick.
It felt good becos' alot of our kids are so unaware of others.
Had a treat of sushi dinner from serene, my speech therapist collegue who joined RC the same day as me, except she is in MDSS and i am in BSS.
We are pretty good friends, attending dance class together till she hurt her back recently.
Then we went for drinks at borders and talked about stuff.
SO turned up and the conversation turned to teaching in special ed schools and mainstream schools.
SO told us about a kid from his school that sounded quite suspiciously to fit into the spectrum.
Bugging him to talk to the form teacher to try get some help, perhaps get the educational psych from MOE on the case.
Hate to see kids just labelled as discipline case when they are obviously not being helped.
Seems like the kid do okie for school but just have a habit of walking round and round the school.
He was punished and yet have no idea why he was being punished.
It sounded like most have given up on him.
Sad.
But i guess SO is right to say that sometimes it is difficult for people to do anything.
It is just so infuriating.
Went to watch The Shipping News later.
Didn't think In the Bedroom kinda heavy drama is suitable for two tired people at 9.45pm after a hard day's work.
Turns out okie.
Though Kevin Spacey was forgetable in the role.
The little girl was pretty good though.

Back to work after all that MCs.
Feeling extremely tired and nose still blocked.
But at last had some time to catch up on my work
and finished making a book for tomorrow's TEACCH coregroup meeting.
Going to try out the book on my ET child tomorrow morning to see how it works out.

Met up with snow, dave, kev and babes on sunday for tea.
The food was so-so but company was great.
Its nice to catch up with friends and share gossips.
Thanks for tea! *smiles*

I would like to have Amelie's and Spirited away vcd.
Love the soundtrack and whimsical-ness (?) of Amelie.
Am a sucker for fairytales.

Bandit was rather good.
The final heist was brilliant.

Last night i expounded a whole warped theory about attractiveness, intrinsic and extraneous variables on decision making for relationships on a darwinian plane and something about standard measurements.

I thought i was on to something.
Pity, i've forgotten much of what was said after i took my medication and fell asleep.

A friend asked if i am ever worried that i might just fucked up my life.

Oh ya. Constantly.
I tried, consciously and unconsciouly, to remain a safe little human statistic amidst this whirlpool
just so i may minimize, to put it simply, "fucking up my life".
But there are days when some anti-establishment little demon will turn around and ask
"Just what the heck are you afraid of?"
Well, sir, i am afraid i will screw up my life, my future, my possibility of having security, disappointing my parents and all that the rest of society aspired for me.
Caught between preserving my what little balance i have found and throwing myself to free-fall in body and mind,
i think i will just hang here a while and enjoy the tension of indecision.

Alegria was mavellous.
My jaws were strained cos' they spent most of the evening hanging down.

Thanks for the birthday present.
x

declog?
unclog?
like a drain? pipe?

Basically i wish for the same thing year after year on my birthday.
Not that it ever came true.
But still, i better not jinx it by revealing it to everyone else.
So here it goes again...

On a frivolous note, i do wish that my nose will declog soon.

Thanks to all that remembered...
*sniff* *sniff*

26 and counting.
Oh to be 20 again.

My nose is still extremely congested.
So two more days of MC which means the total work day i had this week is: 1.
Its crazy to be sick for so long.
It also means i will miss the CNY lunch for staff tomorrow.
And the internal/external transfer meeting which is always interesting.
But by hook or by crook i am dragging myself to watch alegria tomorrow.
Even if i have to go there wearing a paperbag with two cut out holes for eyes.

Man! That's some cool submarine that Captain Nemo have.

I wonder if its the new year... but it seems that i am falling ill quite frequently these days.

Doctor say that i have bronchitis.
He also mildly rebuked me for not seeing the doc during the weekend when my symptoms started.
Well, as if i can tell a difference between a take-two-panadol-flu and bronchitis.
Actually i still cant tell the difference. Perhaps its a more serious form of viral flu?
In any case, the medication to open up my windpipe makes my hand tremour slightly.
Maybe that's why i am making so many typo mistakes today.

Realization no. 36:

I really shouldn't eat rich chocolate cake when i am having a sore throat.

Having a sore throat and been running a fever on and off the last two nights.
Parents leaving in the morning.
Suddenly i wish at least mom would stay behind and take care of me for a while.
To quote my cousin: "Just pretend like it is london."
Duh.

Awfully Chocolate's Chocolate cake taste fabulous.
It is alot like Lana's Chocolate cake but with more of the chocolate fudging thing.
YUM.
Thanks kids. :D

I had a funny phone call today which made me laugh.
My nieces and nephews want to buy me a cake.
The only problem is that they don't know how to go since they are only 3yrs to 7yrs old.
Hence, i am suppose to go buy one for myself and collect money from them later.

Ah kids.

Realization no. 35:

Sometimes i am not sure i know how to be a friend.

20:02 20.02.2002 came and gone.
Nothing special happened at that moment.

"every minute, second is special, since each moment only exist once."

My cat must be one year old by now.
I found him outside my house last April while he was still a kitten.
He was so energetic then.
He has become more sedated.
He seldom chew on my things now or even attempt to "sneak attack".
In fact he is becoming more and more like the big fat lazy cat that i have always wanted.
He also grew more affectionate and will always cuddle up to me, waiting for me to pat him when i come home, before running off to do his own thing.
My cat likes to watch me whenever i am at the sink brushing my teeth.
He also likes to drink straight from the tap and sleep in the sink during a hot day, as it is the coolest surface around.
Sometimes we can have a conversation and he will answer to what i am saying with a "meow".
He became less destructive in general but no less curious.
He is still helping me to kill off small cockroaches but is still afraid of the crows outside.
He will sleep all afternoon if i let him but this is also the best time for me to rub his tummy.
Everyday i wake up and he will be right beside me.
On weekends, he will nudge me up and give me little nibbles because he wants his breakfast.
But these days, he let me sleep in much later and is usually just contented to paw my face gently.

I guess what i really want to say is, i realized i would climb the dumb roof for him again any day.

Like i was saying, sometimes i do things without thinking first.
I do that with words sometimes too.

The irony of it all is, my house doesn't have any water tanks.

I did a stupid thing tonight and climbed up the roof of a 3 storey house.

My cat slipped out of my room and out my balcony climbing up the steep (more than 45degrees) roof and disappeared.
I was frantic looking for it and then heard it meowing from the far side of the house (over the roof apparently).
I was so worried thinking it could be stuck somewhere near the watertank.
And before i would think twice, i climbed up the room with my back against the roof, inching my way up the roof tiles slowly on my butt and pushing myself up with my bare feet.
It was only halfway up when i noticed how high up i am and how strong the wind was.
No one could possibly have seen me going up since it was already late. The skies look dark and cloudy.
In fact it looked like it was going to rain pretty soon. And when i looked down, it was almost a sharp drop downwards.
If i didn't lean back and push against the tiles with my feet, i could have drop straight onto my balcony (if i am lucky) or bounce off the house althogether.
Suddenly i am grateful that my house is covered in those red rough ceramic tiles than those smooth ones.
For a moment i couldnt decide to inch down or up to the roof top edge where the antennas were.
Just at that moment, i heard my cat meowing behind me.
Looking alittle stunned as well. And he started to inch his way down towards my balcony one paw by one paw.
Stopping from time to time to look and wait for me as i followed him.
I think he must have heard me meowing to him as i was edging my way up and he came answering the call.
It took me 15minutes to get up and another 15 to get down.
I was shaking by the time i got down safely on two feet on my balcony.
The rest of me turned into jelly.
I think ruski was alil shaken as well since he let me hug him without struggling and was meowing quite piteously.

I still can't believe i did that.
It was a stupid thing to do and i could have fallen off.
Lucky for me, all i got was jelly legs and sore feet.
But i am glad that in any case ruski is safe.

hmm gold90.5fm plays pretty nice old jazz stuff.
thank god i don't have to suffer another day of love songs from class95.

my cat is looking at me expectantly
i wonder what does he want

burgers and fries
on our valentines

i am glad it was with you.

reunion dinner this year was not bad. we have the usual dishes that mom likes to cook on such occasions. pig intesting soup, abalone, chicken, duck etc.
Then everyone sit around talking about family stuff before waiting for midnight when there would be a round of angbao exchanges.
I would say that my loot this year wasn't too bad. But considering i gave a big angbao to my parents and brothers meant basically i still made a "loss".
Even though i am not married yet, i guess it is expect of one who has started to work to give parents angbaos as some token of appreciation. That said, younger siblings should also get one as some sort of encouragement or seen as showing a good example to the young. But i think it makes everyone happy in the end. And that's what matters. Guess the youngest bro is the luckiest this year with everyone else giving him angbao since he is still schooling. *chuckles*

Happy horsey new year everyone!

Strange.
How come icq add user cannot work?
Hmm. Abit tedious transfer files from one laptop to the other.
Ah. And setting up the system to one that i comfy with takes time.
But i guess it is worth it. :D

Tomorrow is chinese new year's eve already.
So fast.
But i doubt it will be very much festive around my house since we don't have much relatives to go visiting or will come visiting.
Well, at least we will have a short holiday from work.
Didn't buy any new year clothes.
Wonder what to wear on the 1st day.
Guess it doesnt matter since i am not going to go anywhere.
Heh heh.

My dad exchanged his new sony vaio laptop with my 4yr old ancient toshiba 330cdt.
Joy oh Joy!
hehehe hurrah for dad.
Now busy trying to transfer files from one laptop to another.
What a nice new year present.
Don't have angbao also nevermind already. *chuckles*

Helped with making the pineapple tarts.
Doesnt taste half bad but the pastry is alil crumbly.

Alegria on my birthday.
Thank you.
xx

Realization no 34:

It is entirely possible to love someone a little more after fighting with them.

Been sick for a while.
Everyone else is taking a turn at having MCs down in school.
Everyone from the teachers to the kids to the parents.
3 kids passed away in the last week and a half.
Things can get pretty depressing sometimes.

So much things to prepare all of a sudden.
Need to go get some of those chinese new year decorations like ying liu and mandarin oranges.
Also must get all the ingredients for making pineapple tarts such as butter and pineapple.
I have not bought any new year clothes yet as well.
And i have about 6 days more to do all that.
Boy, am i glad my mom is around.

So fast, another chinese new year.
Come to think of it, my brother will be 24 this year since he is a "horse".
That would make me... *gasp* way pass quarter of a century.
I must be really tired.
I am already feeling old.

Parents are finally back.
Good and bad for me.
Good that there are more people in this big house (hence more ren qi) and of cos, all the goodies my mom will prepare.
Bad is that, inevitably, my mom will somehow get on my case.
Sigh... Ah, parents will be parents.

It rained and rained and rained.

This past week:

1) had meetings almost everyday
2) watched "the others" and liked it
3) had mexican with collegue
4) went clubbing with old friends
5) took my nephews (cousin's kids) to the zoo

I enjoyed going to the zoo and bring the kids there (6 and 4). No doubt it was really tiring but then kids truly say the cutest things.

him:"What is the time now?"
me:"6.00pm"
him:"what time is power rangers?"
me:"6.30pm"
him:"So how many more rounds?" (he has no much concept of "1 hour away" and judges time by how many "rounds" the minute hand move around an analog watch)
me:"half round"
him (exsperated):"I don't understand half. can say 1 or 2?"
me: "..."

I had fun. My cousin told me that this is good training for me till i have kids of my own. I think I am going to enjoy being godma/auntie/biao gu to all the children that other people can have and consider having some of my own after i finished resting from this trip.

This Colorgenics profile enables you to 'See Yourself As You Really Are'.

You have always longed for tenderness, love and a sensitivity of feeling into which you would like to blend. You are a very gentle warm person and responsive to "All things bright and beautiful". This personifies a caring person... A person who "needs" and indeed "needs to be needed".

In the past there have been .. and maybe there still are many things that you have had to do without. You have now decided to set your sights on a position or situation that could give you greater prestige and which will afford you considerable self esteem.

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all ...

The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others ... but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.

You would like to be respected and valued for yourself and this can only be achieved from a close and harmonious relationship.

My brother quitted his job at Arthur Andersen and is going back to Melbourne to continue his Masters.
Somehow, i wish i can go too.

Ego

I began to hate myself for believing that i am less than what i am,that i needed to change.
I hate myself for easily easily led, to diminish my self-worth and letting them destroy my confidence.

Yes, i have an ego problem.

And so do the rest of the world who believed in themselves.
After all, what is life if i had to keep changing myself
so as to meet other people's expectation of me?
Especially for something so trivial, so shallow.

How can i believe that this is "good" for me
when it had only made me see how "imperfect" i am
and hence, would need to be "improved" upon.

Yes, i have an ego problem.

I did not used to believe that i need to make myself unhappy
and mould myself into something else to make others happy.
Others i do not know, others i do not care about.

Yes, i have an ego problem.

As i do not change enough for the people that i love.
So as to make them happy.
Happy that i will be able to fit into other people's mould.
Happy that i will be able to save their faces.

People whom i love would love to change me
so that they can feel happy infront of others.
Others i do not know, others i do not care about.

So yes, I have an ego problem.

But it was not big enough
to stop me from believing in this propaganda.
Not big enough to make me stand up for myself and defend my dignity.
Not big enough to keep my self-confidence.
Not big enough to stop insecurity from seeping in.
Not big enough to stop myself for trying.
Not big enough to say "enough!"

Till finally.

Now i hate myself for trying,
at the expenses of my self-worth, self-esteem.
And i hate the people who would sacrifice me
to make others i do not know, others i do not care about,
happy.

Yes, I have an ego problem.

"Why don't you try?"
But i did.
Yet, would you have accepted failure?

Thought that it might be quite inconvenient that the car has been borrowed. But then it didn't turn out half that bad. I still managed to get to work on time and didn't get lost taking the bus. Ha. So i guess i am not totally useless. In any case, it is only for two days. The car was lent to my uncle who is driving my aunt (his sister) up to KL to attend my granduncle's funeral. I don't really have much of an impression of my late granduncle. I wonder how he was like.

Realization no. 33:

All that they really wanted was just a trophy.

I was helping out as the emcee today at the Charity Triathlon 2002, doing things like making announcements, semi-sport-broadcasting (e.g. "no 113 has just left his cycle behind and carrying on on foot!") and part time paging services. The weather was quite fine, sun was shiny and windy throughout. There was a slight drizzle in the late afternoon but it was only for a short while. On the whole, it has been quite amazing to see all these atheletes competing in such a race. I mean 2km swim in heavy waves (strong winds), 92km cycle and 21km run?? Like what some of my collegues said: "bu2 shi4 ren3". And that is only "half" of what the Ironman race would complete.

I have never paid any attention to such sporting events so this was quite an eye opener for me. They started at 12noon and the winner came in around 4.40pm. That is 4 hours and 40 mins of non-stop exercise! They are certainly not kidding when they say "maximum endurance". The focus and determination was shown on each face of the 173 participants. Even though there were those who had to drop out of the triathlon midway perhaps due to fatigue and injuries, were nonetheless worthy of respect because of the hard work and training that must have been gone in in prepartion for such a race. I for one would never be bring myself to do it.

The charity triathlon was jointly organized by Rainbow Center and the Triathlon Association of Singapore to help raise funds for our school buiding fund and the Preschool integration enhancement program in our school. On top of competing in the race, the atheletes had pledge cards as well to help solicit for donations. So far, it has been very encouraging. Hope that we will be able to achieve our target of $100,000.

Tomorrow will be the award ceremony and i have to be there as an emcee again. The triathlon people said that the award ceremony will always be a day later as all the participants would not be able to enjoy any food or listen to anyone after the race. Very true. In fact when the first winner come in and someone tried to give him the medal, all he could say was "leave me alone". The degree of fatigue is quite unimaginable. Perhaps tomorrow, they would have recovered sufficiently to receive their prizes.

Stop looking over my shoulder
to see where i am going
for i am taking my time
and fear you will step on my heels

My cat snores,
softly.

I had silly crazy fun
once.

Heady rush of euphoria
piercing into my nerves
electrifying my synapses
sending liquid silver through my senses.

Never again.
I had silly crazy fun
once.

This is me... apparently...

Take the 100 Acre Personality Quiz!

On Zhang Yu Sheng:

On my drive home, i flipped to CD no. 8 on my cdplayer in the car. It was zhang yu sheng's last album (kou shi xin fei), one of my most favourite album of all time. I am not sure why i picked it, usually i just listen to the radio. But tonight i felt like listening to it. It seemed to suit the night and misty rain. In fact, i drove pass my house and went on straight and ended up somewhere in changi so that i could finish the whole album to the end. It was a good feeling and one satisfying drive.

There are many reasons why i like this particular album. It was a new experimental album, departing from zhang's usual compositions which he was well known for. It was not a perfect album but it was a daring one. After a long hiatus (and producing for other singers), he came back from with something different from the run of the mill love songs he usually composed. Hints of what was to come came on and off in his previous albums (e.g. mei you yan chou de ri zi) but that last album still impressed me as i felt he was on the verge of breaking through to another stage of his career and phase of composing.

The album has only 11 songs. Most of which exceed 4mins individually. He composed most of the lyrics, the melody, arranged the music and produced it. And what fun he must have had. He experimented with different electronic sounds, instrumentation and arrangement. All the songs sounded unique, with hints of different musical influences, ranging from jazz to orchestral concentos. It was not without its flaws. I never feel that he was a particularly good lyricist though he did have a few good ones. There was also a over empharsize on the "rock effect" (2-3 songs which started slow ended in a sudden rock concert high gear, which i felt was rather over doing it). But what i love most is that every song has qualities that i admire: a interesting zen-like starting melody, imaginative play of lyrics and orchestra arrangement of "sui ni", the calmness of "he" and daring climax of "cuppacino".

I would have love to see where he would take his new style if he had not passed away. This album was like a sampler of different styles which he was interested in. Where could he have gone from there? There was certainly room for exploration and improvement. But i guess i would never know. Most people have not paid much attention to it. My guess is that people usually like songs which they can sing to at ktv which could explain why the second song in the album "kou shi xin fei" was the only one people recognized. In any case, i feel that this album has been underrated when it should have been viewed as one with trememdous potential but was cut short by the singer unfortunate demise.

On being alone:

On and off, i do feel like i needed some time out alone by myself. But it is seldom serious. Usually, a night of reading or surfing the net will suffice and i will go back to being sociable again. But this last few days i have been struggling on the edge of something i can't quite place my finger on. And soon, wanting to take some time out and being alone became a need, not just a want. Which was precisely why i "took off" today. Though i wasn't sure why (there was some irritation mixed up in all these but i doubt that was all), i did not dwell on today. I went to a movie, a sushi dinner, window shopping and a drive without much thoughts on the "whys" and "how comes" or even the future. It was pretty much in the moment. Hence i was able to enjoy the movie, the dinner and the drive. I remain ambivalent over the shopping.

It would have felt strange in usual circumstances. I have always professed to be one that hated watching movies alone but today it was alright. I have not really thought about why it should be alright today, but it was. It was an urge, a compulsion, which till this moment is still lingering in my system. In some ways, i was propelled by it without giving it much thought.

On status:

Watched Spirited Away today. Finally completed most of what i set out to do except writing about trip. I wonder whats so hard about it, especially when i had all the notes written out. Seems that the starting is the most difficult thing to do. Oh well. I will try to get on with it.

Enjoyed Spirited Away very much. I think i like this more than some of his more serious cartoons (e.g. those env-conscious ones like feng zi gu and ba bian li mao or the tear-jerker zai jian yin huo cong). It is not as cutesy as totoro but it has the right mix of fantasy and "morals". A mixture of alice in wonderland and the wizard of oz. I feel a certain sense of familiarity with the story and issues but it was still enjoyable and refreshing nonetheless. It was pitched just right for me i guess.

Been sleeping extremely late these two nights.
Not really suffering from insomnia but close enough.
And not to mention logging in quite often these days.
Not sure if log in hence i sleep late or sleep late hence i log in.

Some big stuff brewing on the workfront.
Life can get interesting.

Speaking of interesting, there is a charity triathlon for my school (Balestier Special School) this weekend helping to raise funds to build a new school in Sengkang. Not that i am running or anything, but will be the Emcee for the event. Looks like that is my sideline at work. Anyway if anyone want to donate (any amount, we would be extremely grateful), please let me know. After all it is for a good cause right? So start the new year by doing something worthwhile. :D

The last few days were so windy without rain.
I could sleep comfortably with my balcony door and windows wide open
without worrying about flooding my room and wasting electricity on the air-conditioning.

A major plus point for the cat since he gets to roam around outside
instead of being shut inside the room with me.

Realization no. 32:

The more you crave, the less rational you will be.

Have a sudden craving for gambing soup.

Found a substitute comment blog named YACCS so my online day wasn't all for the lost.

Well, that's one thing out of the way.
Seriously doubt reblogger will make it back
and since blogback stopped accepting new users
and snotcomments is dead,
there aren't much choices avaliable really.

Okie..

First thing first.. i didnt do shit this weekend.
Not terribly please with myself.
Was suppose to write about trip.
Must force myself to get down to it soon.

Added something to the 1000 journal but not terribly neat.
Was writing in half darkness outside my balcony.

Thinking of doing something radical.
Only thing is... What.
Also some big decisions pending.
I really need some time alone for a bit.

Saw some friends this weekend.
At least done some things worth mentioning.
Club and ChitChat.
Alittle taxing because i need some time to sort out certain things
but nonetheless time with good friends is time well spent.
Much better than what i do when i am alone.

Received a nice long letter from a dear friend.
Glad to know that all is well.

Next weekend, emcee at school charity triathlon.
Looks like time alone will not be forthcoming anytime soon.

Saw the moon today.
It looked like a big cheese biscuit.
The first day of the new year and what stuck to my head was seeing a cheezball in the sky.

I was thinking 20/02/2002 is a good date.

Start of 2002

Age: 25y 9mth
Number of old resolutions: 2
Number of old resolutions achieved: 1
Number of new resolutions: 0

Put on a new collar with bell on my cat.
He did not struggle at all.

Status so far...

Watched Lord of the Rings.
One of the few film adaptions of books which i feel retains very much the essense and even enhances the original literature. Not at all disappointed despite having a high expection of it after all the hype and being generally critical of such attempts.

Prepared for new school term.
Sorted out my timetable but quite sure that there will be changes. Found out that I will be more involved in training and also learning a new assessment tool so have to also mentally gear myself up for it. Bought trays for making tasks for therapy.

Met up with some friends.
Saw babes and her sibs for new year. And even some friends that i have not seen for a while. Quite a nice start to a brand new year. I believe what we do on new years eve heralds for what is to come for the new year. For example, i spent last new years eve watching tv and 2001 had been one where i found myself slavishly catching tv series. It could just be me. But a good start is always nice. Certainly don't want to spend new year day with a hangover.

Gave aunt bag of goodies.
Some clothes alil big but generally she was happy with the choices for chinese new year. And abit surprised to receive one frozen chicken. My mom have to greatest ability to pack enough food to feed an army into a tv carton. To date, no one in our family had dared to refused her "packages" for fear of eternal retribution. Hence, i bought back with me, amongst my already stuffed backpack, a tv carton comprises of 8 frozen chickens, 1 giant fish (of unknown species but suppose to be really good i.e. was swimming in south china sea just this morning) which was at least a meter in length and width of my big thigh, 4 packs of dried chinese mushroom, 4 packs of dried scallops, 4 packs of mushroom stalky thingys for soup, 2 packs of root thingy for soup, 1 frozen pack of pig's intestines, 2 pack of preserved sausages, 2 packs of rice biscuits, 1 giant piece of yellow ginger and 3 rack of roast pork and 1 rack of char sieu. Not surprisingly our luggage was overweight (60kg of which 30kg came from the carton).

Hence, i need now to find time to write about my trip, watch spirted away and meet up with the rest of my friends. Hopefully this weekend will suffice.